instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.