Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
i actually laughed 😩
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Love is always patient and kind.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.