[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
And now we wait
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Time heals everything 🙂
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I already tried new things thanks.