[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*