Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You Might Also Like
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.