My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
In banana years, I am bread.
are there any atheist mantises?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.