Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
A new level of troll.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.