Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
never ask a starfish for directions
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.