[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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repaired
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
When I snag the last meatball.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”