My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.