People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.