My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Worst bar ever.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.