Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems