*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years