That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
This came to me in a dream.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.