Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Flock of bats
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.