Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
You Might Also Like
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”