some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A family that plays together cheats.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.