I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office