“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car