Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
This is I, Robot all over again
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.