“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
thank god the sign was there
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I need this for my side hustle.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony