cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You Might Also Like
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
😩😩😩
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I’d … I’d rather not.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Saw your ex at the shops