Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?