I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions