Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday