Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.