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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My wife gives the best headache.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I would move hell over six inches for you
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.