mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
The Punning Dead.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull