Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
TRAIN’S HERE
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.