Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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That was easy.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind