Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Anyone really
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Merry Christmas
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.