The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have