Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.