My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor