[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Möther may I have a snäck
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.