I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.