HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Uh oh…
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.