[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
No regrets in 2018
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.