We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot