Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Smallpox sounds so adorable
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”