Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
i smell a pulitzer
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.