Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*