Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
That’s enough internet for the day
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?