Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?