Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.