My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.