I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I mean…but I did
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
We’ve all been there…
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”