On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Sign at work today
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT