It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me when my alarm goes off
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
March 16
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy